Clean Up After Your Dog
Even At Night!
BEIJING, CHINA – The Hang-Tze Chemical Industrial Trading Concern is not a commonly known brand name among dog owners here in the U.S. But that could change very soon. Every dog owner in America who enjoys strolling through their yards at night in bare feet – or clad in shoes, for that matter – is going to want to pick up the newest pet product to hit the market.
The product, available in a handy 4 ounce container, is a non-toxic food additive for dogs made from a bioluminescent tree fungus native to China (very similar to the phenomenon known as “fox fire” here in the USA). The company describes the additive as “pleasanting flavor of beefsteak bone” [sic] and says a new “entrail-flavor” additive will be available soon.
But enough about the plesanting flavor. What does this stuff do? Do is indeed the operative word, for a mere two hours after ingesting the additive, your dog will be treated to glow-in-the-dark doggy doo!
And what’s the name of this brilliant new pet product? Wait for it… In a nod to the Book of Genesis, either the manufacturers or their American import company had a good enough sense of humor to name it:
Let There Be Poop
Spokesman Zhang Han, speaking through an interpreter, proclaims, “In Beijing, there are many dog owners who stay indoors at night out of fear. They are terrified to set foot outside and remain prisoners of their own home for fear of encountering filth. Our product is seeking to remedy this fecal plague that has so scarred our beloved landscape.”
Neither the FDA nor the Pet Products Association were willing to comment on this new food additive, as they have not yet had an opportunity to test its safety claims. But the Chinese equivalent of the FDA approved “Let There Be Poop,” remarking that the product is “safe, harmless and benevolent.”
We can only imagine the possibilities for backyard “candlelight” dinners with the family dog. Now that Halloween is approaching, we wish we had a couple of bottles for our dog to create a unique greeting for our neighborhood trick-or-treaters.
Speaking of which… Trick or Treat!
We’re happy to report that the foregoing was merely a pipe dream as Halloween approaches… Our dogs and their business are indeed safe from Chinese tree fungus.
Now go run out and play with your dog to celebrate that we live in a world without “Let There Be Poop.” Only, please: wear some shoes…